We're Doomed! Review

In general, I’m not a fan of ‘classic’ party games. I hit adulthood as Apples to Apples morphed into the edgy Cards Against Humanity, and had multiple get togethers during college and afterwards where these sort of games were pulled out and played for what felt like ever. There were some laughs to be had for sure, but often the game could just drag on, with several people focused on winning, others just chatting, and at least just one person trying to get the most ridiculous or off-putting answer possible.

I don’t want to say I’m against these style of games. I think there’s a reason they exist, and there’s a reason they sold like hot cakes at the time. In my personal experience however, I often found they just outlasted their welcome. They were an excuse to be witty or smart or chat or just be cheeky with friends… all of which is fantastic, but games could end up going on for more than an hour or two. Some players could be done after the novelty wore off after a few rounds, while others who just want to win are frustrated by the sheer subjectiveness of it all being wordplay.

So what if you could play a party game that made you feel clever and witty and chatty and cheeky… and was always done in just 15 minutes?

My friends, let me share with you We’re Doomed!, one of the most chaotic board games you’ll ever get a chance to try.

What Is We’re Doomed, And Why Does My Friend Have A Nuke?

The story goes like this: you and your friends are world leaders who have to resolve a crisis unlike any we’ve seen before. The world is ending, and you have only limited time to try and find a way off the planet. You are coming together to pool resources to build a rocket ship and get off planet.

Why is this happening? What’s the game plan once you get up into space? Don’t worry about it! All that matters is that you only have fifteen minutes, and I mean that literally. You start the game by turning over a sand timer that everyone will get very, very obsessed with. When it’s orange sand runs out, the game is over, and it’s time to see if you’ve collectively built the rocketship. Or, to be a bit more specific, it’s time to see *how big* you’ve built the rocket ship.

That’s right, this is a game of 4-10 players, and there’s the chance that ‘The Project’ you are all working on will let only one player live. I’m sure this won’t cause any tension. Surely, no one will try to sabotage or remove another player from the game to make sure they get on the ship instead of another.

Editor’s Note: While the title of the game is We’re Doomed!, we’ll be using We’re Doomed without the ! for most of this article going forward, just so sentences look sane and our writing docs stop trying to auto capitalize things in the middle of sentences.

We’re Doomed is roughly divided into phases. First, there is the ‘Take Action’ phase, where everyone around the table gets to take one action, clockwise from the current first player. This is incredibly straight forward, where you only have five options:

• Produce: Gain 2 resources
• Indoctrinate: Gain 1 influence
• Propagandize: Spend 1 resource to steal 1 influence from another player
• Invade: Spend 1 influence to steal 2 resources from another player
• Nuke: Spend 8 Resources to delete a player.

You take one action, and then that’s it. At this point, it seems fair to ask the basic question: Why would you ever waste resources on nuking, or attack others? The simple answer is that We’re Doomed craves mayhem, and you can see this from the civilization cards that are handed out. You see, each player gets one of five different civilization bonuses, each giving a bonus to a particular action.

• Technocracy: You produce 3 resources instead of 2.
• Theocracy: You indoctrinate 2 influence at a time instead of 1.
• Corporatocracy: You can propagandize for free.
• Democracy: You invade for free.
• Autocracy: You only need 5 resources to nuke another player instead of 8.

We’re Doomed labels which cards to include for how many players, so there is always an Autocracy on the table… which means that you will always be side-eying one player nervously just because they have a better ability to remove others from the table. The only true selfless civilization is the Technocracy, and even then, this advantage makes other people jealous because of the contribution phase. It’s when everyone throws resource chips into the box. You shout out how many you are contributing, and once they are committed, you can’t take them out. The person who contributes the most gets a free influence, the first player token, and draws an event card.

The event cards are where dreams and plans go to die.

Why It All Goes To Heck

The event cards are the secret sauce that transform this game from a tense game of chicken to hilarious anarchy. Without them, it would be easy to come to an agreement across the table and just play as fast as possible. With everyone contributing max resources every round, you’d get to 40 or more resources way before fifteen minutes is up. However, when the ‘winner’ of the last contribution phase picks up a card off the deck, there’s a good chance the whole game is going to change. Some cards might just remove a few resources from The Project, making it harder for everyone. Maybe it lets people hide how many resources or influence they have instead of it being public knowledge. Or, perhaps, the event deck will give you something unhinged like…

This happened in the last game I played. We were mostly all being cordial, and then suddenly, I couldn’t get on the rocketship, while still being in the game. Other players looked horrified… for just one round. After that, they were spending actions to take resources from me for free, raiding me to make sure I ‘wouldn’t nuke anyone’ while I was trying to still contribute to the project. Other players got defensive, pre-emptively raiding each other to make sure no one could nuke another, all while the clock ticked down.

There are 100 entirely unique event cards in the game, meaning you are going to end up with a pandora’s box of extra drama every time you play. I don’t want to spoil many cards because that is half the fun, but I’ll mention that there are ‘clandestine’ cards, ones you read and keep as special events. There’s a pair of cards in there that start the same: you look at the card, nod, and slide it in front of another player. If that player looks at the card… well, depending on which card it is, it’ll have them either laughing or laughing and cursing you out.

The Joy Of Being A Jerk… For Humanity’s Sake, Of Course

We’re Doomed! works because it’s short. I’m being serious. While I appreciate heavy games like Twilight Imperium, but if you absolutely crush your friend’s chances in the first two hours of a game, they might look at you sideways for a while after. Not many people likes to play a game where they don’t have any chance of winning for hours.

Let’s return to that event card that removes a player from being able to get on the ship. This happened to me about 7 minutes into a game. It didn’t feel great, since we were all feeling good about working together so far with only a few rivalries. However, it didn’t ruin the round for me because I knew I only had 8 minutes left in the game maximum. I still played, amused at everyone else now panicking, all while myself and another player kept trying to play fast to see if I could get that one-in-a-hundred card that can remove another card from play.

I’ve seen games where another player is nuked simply because the two players were dating and wanted to get a reaction. Other nukes have happened and the player jumps up shouting “That’s for beating me in Root!”. There are games where everyone gets along just fine and the event cards make it feel like you are the actors in Armageddon or another disaster movie just trying to survive, and I’ve seen games where the entire time is wasted on petty sniping so only one person escapes.

We’ve used this game as a way to kick off game nights, getting a full 10 players or just a way to play something less serious near the end with whoever is left. It’s a smaller box, looks great on the table, and doesn’t outstay its welcome. Because of that, you can play this game like a complete jerk with your friends and not worry about ruining someone’s day.

A Few Nitpicks At The End Of The World

Naturally, a game that is chaotic as We’re Doomed! can have some drawbacks. First off, this is a party game, and so there are some board gamers who aren’t going to be fans immediately. I do think We’re Doomed! manages to avoid many party game problems by having a pre-determined end, but it just might not be everyone’s cup of tea. On a similar note, many people might have a problem with exactly how random the game is. Players should feel comfortable with having their plans destroyed at a moment’s notice, embracing the chaos instead of taking an engine-building approach to the game.

In terms of direct criticism, I’ve had in one or two games the hourglass get stuck. It’s rare - I’ve played over 30 games - but once in a blue moon the sand caught. Usually it's not an issue, since someone is always watching the time go by with a panicked expression, but something to look out for. The other issue is sometimes it can be a lot to pass the bags of resources and influence around while playing fast. I think that it’s on purpose, but I might actually try and replace the cardboard tokens with metal coins or heavier chips to make them easier to grab onto and toss around, also giving the game a little more weight.

Again, the biggest downside I think is sometimes with a game that thrives off chaos, sometimes the narrative might not come together. I’ve had some games that are just fine, and others where we laughed hysterically the whole time. I think the game is at its best when its at 6-8 players, where it still feels like everyone is getting the chance to take actions often but there’s a desperate struggle to get on the ship, whereas only four players can make the game feel a little solvable.

A Great Party Game For Those Who Like Board Games

I think one of the greatest triumphs of We’re Doomed! is how much chaos it contains within 15 minutes. It’s a gimmick game, but it’s a hell of a gimmick game. It doesn’t take itself too seriously, has a pretty solid production value, can handle a lot of players, and has a hilarious premise.

I meant to review this game years ago, but then a pandemic happened, and it felt strange to cover a game where you wanted so many people while there was an active pandemic. In the last year however, we’ve had a resurgence of playing the game at our local game nights, now hitting over 30 total games and at least 30-40 different people trying it out. For $35 dollars, I’ve gotten so much value out of this game, and if you ever like playing your board games with large groups, you will too.

Now, as a reward to myself for finally finishing this, I’m going to go buy their Meritocracy expansion. It adds 50 more event cards, a new type of civilization, and lets you play up to twelve players.

I’m looking forward to see even more chaos than before. Good luck surviving the apocalypse!